The User's Guide and Manual to Anakin Skywalker
by Evey1812
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase of an ANAKIN Unit!


Disclaimer: I do not own the idea for character units, but everything else is from my own warped mind.

**The User's Guide And Manual For **

**Anakin Skywalker **

**Copyright Gepetto's Wooden Actors Ltd. **

**Ric Olie, Chief Technical Advisor (The chief technical advisor is the person in charge of making this line of units!)**

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of an ANAKIN Unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your pulchritudinous padawan, please follow the instructions below.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Anakin Skywalker

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturers: There Was No Father & Co.

Height: 1.45 or 1.8 meters depending on film

Weight: 190 lbs (not including ego)

ACCESSORIES 

Your ANAKIN Unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units are delivered with their own blue lightsaber, jedi robes, and mechanical arm for post-Attack of the Clones usage.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Your ANAKIN Unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated, though he may also respond to disturbances in the force or indigestion.

Aside from being a pleasing specimen for the eyes, the ANAKIN Unit also has many other practical uses.

_Professional Pod-racer_  
Are you looking for a completely illogical, plot-advancing plan to fix your ship and get off the planet you're stranded on? Are you looking for a squealing brat of a child to win the big race against all the odds that you could have otherwise manipulated with the force? Your ANAKIN unit is the only human who can do it!

Note: The goggles! They do nothing!

_Veterinarian_  
Your ANAKIN unit has always been good at fixing things.

_Pick-Up Line Generator_  
Are you a Star Wars nerd incapable of finding a date? Your ANAKIN Unit has an entire collection of smooth lines to use on the ladies: "Are you an angel?" "You're so…beautiful."

_Disciplinary Principal_

Are your younglings acting up again? Threaten to send them to your post-Order 66 ANAKIN Unit and they will start behaving soon enough.

CLEANING

All ANAKIN Units must be washed in warm water because they come from a desert planet. All mechanical limbs should be removed before washing in order to prevent rusting.

ANAKIN and PADME Units should be washed separately, _especially _when programmed on The Phantom Menace setting. ANAKIN and OBI WAN Units may be washed together when programmed on the Cato Neimoidia setting, which doesn't, _doesn't _count.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

**Q:** Is my ANAKIN Unit really a genie?  
**A: **Your ANAKIN Unit wishes he could wish away his redundant use of the word "wish," but that is something he cannot do. Please do not wish for more wishes.

**Q:** Why is my ANAKIN Unit not performing to its full potential?  
**A:** It's all your OBI WAN Unit's fault. He's jealous. He's holding your ANAKIN Unit back.

**Q:** My ANAKIN Unit keeps messing up his line deliveries. Is there something wrong with my ANAKIN Unit's voice chip?  
**A:** No, you're ANAKIN Unit simply cannot act.

**Q:** Why does my ANAKIN Unit hate me?  
**A:** Are you rough and course and irritating? Do you get everywhere? Or are you just being a beach?

**Q: **My pet cat, parakeet, hamster, fish, and rabbit all disappeared shortly after I purchased my ANAKIN Unit. What happened?

**A: **Your ANAKIN Unit killed them. He killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the cat, but the hamster and the rabbit, too. They're like animals, and your ANAKIN Unit slaughtered them like animals. HE HATES THEM!

TROUBLESHOOTING

**Problem:** My ANAKIN Unit thinks he's the king of the woooooooooorld!  
**Solution:** You have accidentally been issued the LEONARDO DICAPRIO version of the ANAKIN Unit, which was actually created only as a practical joke to scare the jawa juice out of overly obsessive fanatics.

**Problem:** My ANAKIN Unit keeps displaying an unknown error.  
**Solution:** There are various glitches in our current line of ANAKIN Units that we are trying to work out. In the meantime, you should try spinning your ANAKIN Unit. That's a good trick.

**Problem:** My ANAKIN Unit's padawan braid keeps getting caught in the car door.  
**Solution:** Change your ANAKIN Unit's setting to Revenge of the Sith mode where it will sport shaggy emo hair that blows dramatically in the breeze and will all get burned off soon enough anyway.

**Problem:** My ANAKIN Unit's eyes have turned red.  
**Solution:** In .01 of cases, this was simply an eye irritation that can be treated by Clear Eyes, Visene, or another type of eye drop. The other 99.99 of cases, the ANAKIN Unit had ceased to be an ANAKIN Unit and had become a VADER Unit. If this is the case, you will need to purchase a LUKE Unit to reverse the effects after 20 years of atrocity and oppression. Good luck.

FINAL NOTE  
Gapetto's Wooden Actors Ltd. is in no way responsible for any deaths resulting from your ANAKIN Unit's aggressive negotiations. We hope you enjoy your ANAKIN Unit so much that you find yourself screaming, "YIPEEEE!"


End file.
